1. |
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The Anthem of Well-Meaning: Things Not to Say to People Who are Depressed
I heard you were feeling fine
And it's okay, you know
It's fine to just be feeling fine
And it's okay to be okay you know
I'm not sure what you mean
When you
Say there were plans you had that never changed
Well just get on them, you're not dying
Just pick up the reins
And have a coffee, take it easy
Getting laid might clear your mind
All things considered, this is not so bad
Think of all the things you could have never had
There's always places suffering
And people who are doing worse than you
And maybe it's not what you expected
Year after year of being fine
But you can't be anything
Other than you are
Ain't that right
Ain't that simple
Ain't that easy
You can't expect the answers
To just fall out of the sky
No, we can't be perfect people
But I think that we can try
And maybe you should be a little grateful
For the fact that everyone around you cares about your business
And haven't written you off as a lost cause
Because if you don't start trying, they might just give up
It's not that they don't love you, it's just kind of tough
To sympathize with someone who just
Doesn't want to
Doesn't want to
Doesn't want to be
And maybe that means it's nothing simple
So maybe that means that you should try
Cause you can't be anything
Other than you are
Ain't that right
Ain't that simple
Ain't that easy
You can't expect the answers
To just come out of the sky
No, we can't be perfect people
But I think that we'll survive
Why can't you just be happy?
This thing can't last that long
Your life seems pretty great
So just tell us what went wrong
I'm not saying you deserve it
I'm just saying people change themselves
You can't be anything
Other than you are
Ain't that right
Ain't that simple
Ain't that easy
You can't expect the answers
To just fall out of the sky
No, we can't be perfect people
But I think that we can try
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2. |
Seventeen
02:30
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Masking tape residue
Boxes filled
Good intentions
Off-white paint
Chipped away
Filled with white out back when I was
Seventeen, all full of stains
From petty boys, built up aggression
Dents inside my closet
Where I pushed you up against the wall
Ask me if it hurt me
And I’ll tell you I was seventeen
Shards of glass and open wounds
And playing legal on a screen
And holding out my hands for love
When feelings felt like honesty
When feelings were just currency
And all of that sat right with me
Late nights texts
Cell phone games
Secrets told, had no right to
Printed stacks of pretty girls
That never felt like me
Someone else’s’ daisy chain
Those flighty days of unforgiven
Liberties, fragility
Virginities for one
I can see why
You thought
You had me figured out
Each shred of me
Came from someone else’s mouth
One smile and wave
And I would have let you down
Coffee cake and stereo
I never called you unimportant
Nervous summer photographs
And taking down those photographs
Summers filled with pretty boys
Or none at all
Fuck good intentions
Idolized integrity
And nothing left but smoke
Ask me if it hurt me
And I’ll tell you I was seventeen
And never swore the things I said
Were anything but vanity
I can see why
You thought
You had me figured out
Each shred of me
Came with someone else’s doubt
One whispered word
And I would have let me down
And I would have let me down
Ask me if he touched me
And I’ll tell you I was seventeen
Everything I ever said
Was what I thought was wrong with me
I can see why
You thought
You had me figured out
Each shred of me
Came from someone else’s mouth
One whispered word
And you could have let me out
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3. |
Thoughts from 2AM
02:55
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Thoughts from 2AM: Things I Think When I Am Having a Panic Attack
Dear professor --
I feel I should apologize for something
Mostly for sleeping through your class today
Ha ha ha ha
But you know I'm a good student
It's not typical behavior so
Let me take a moment to explain
I was up all night on WebMD
Trying to figure out if I had Chronic Kidney Disease
And trying to reorganize my
Sock drawer
And on its own, it'd be okay
I know I would have made it into class today
But then, I had this moment
Where I thought I might be pregnant
G
With the Son of God, or something
C D
And that kind of freaked me out
C D G
And all in all, I think I'm doing fine
C D
It's just some days my thoughts go somewhere
I don't know
And all in all, those thoughts are just benign
It's just my hyperactive mind
I find
I'm dealing with it now
Dearest friend
I'm sorry if I freaked you out today
Probably shouldn't go to
Experimental film festivals anyway
And I know I don't remember
Exactly what I said
But I promise I won't try to run away
It's just, it comes on quickly
And I haven't got much warning
And I end up saying things I shouldn't say
And all in all, it's really not that bad
It's just, I think of dying
Everywhere I go
And though you think those thoughts might be quite sad
It's not a plan, it's not that mad
I've had
A hundred ways to go
And there are days it gets exhausting
When walls seem to close in wherever I turn
But then I close my eyes and think and think and think and think and
think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and think and
stop
Maybe you think that I'm just a mine
Just waiting to go off when I am under-toe
But hey, it's not like we can be divine
And god, I know I'm not sublime
I'm fine
I'm working on it now
And maybe it's just me walking this line
My god, I wish my brain was kind
I'm fine
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4. |
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Hey dear
You say you've got a broken brain, dear
And I could say I feel the same but
I won't lie
And when you say, dear
Everything's falling to pieces in ways you don't know
I can't figure what to do
But to fall apart with you
Just a rocks in your pockets kind of day
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5. |
Hypnagogic
04:36
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Sleep
His skin is full of sparks
Her chest is full of life
His smile is full of something more she never saw til now
She’s got mesh round her heart
Got salt in all her wounds
He’s tired of burnt fingers
And she knows that she’s still asleep
She can feel it in the
Heat
His fingers are well trained
He’s learned to love the keys
She’s such a novel source of sound
He’s learning how to play
She’s sick of tired of games
She says her vice is getting there
And she’s still get thing there
And he drops acid once a week
Just to check up on the view
Dreams
She dreams of empty rooms
She dreams of sex with strangers
Which is better than the forcing on
She’s only dreamt til now
He dreams while he’s awake
She wonders if it’s better there
And if she’s better there
And he drops acid once a week
Just to check up on the view
Just to check up on the view
And things
Never seem to change
And things
Are drifting too far gone
For second chances
Late
There’s not a star in sight
There is no fall out here
But there’s no fall there either
And he
Collects the things he can
Clenched moments in his fists
Mesh wrapped around his fingers
And she still sees him in her dreams
Just to check up on the view
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6. |
A Song About My Body
03:20
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my body is a temple
at least, that's what they tell me
though the oxford english dictionary defines temple as an dwelling-place of a deity or deities and therefore a house for divine worship.
and i think it’s alarming
to be mistaken for a building
and even if i'm what's inside it
i'm not sure that i want to be
cause i know that i am sacred
i'm don't think that i am pure
and if "sacred" means "alone"
i think it's fair that i'm not sure
and i know it's just a saying
i don't have to play semantics
but of course i'll play semantics
it's my job to play semantics
and my body is a plaything
and that’s where it gets confusing
because how can i be a plaything
if i’m supposed to be a temple
and my body is a wonderland
i guess
cause i know i am
slightly shorter than i
should be
stand straight
you’re commodity
and smile more
think less
ask me all about
my body is
and my body is a trophy
at least that’s what they tell me
since it is bright and tight and shiny
if i’m consistent with the upkeep
and it shouldn’t be too fatty
since by body is meat tray
and no one likes a fatty meat tray
who fucking puts tits on a meat tray
but my body is temptation
so i’m trying to play fair
to be careful of the way i walk
and slutty clothes i wear
and my body's an organ case
i guess
cause i know i am
slightly smaller than i
could be
jail bait
you’re commodity
and smile more
tease less
ask me all about
my
but sometimes i am
slightly bigger than i
could be
lose weight
you’re commodity
and smile more
eat less
ask me all about
my
If my body is a temple
Then where the hell’s my sanctuary?
If my body is a trophy
Could you let me know who won?
And who am I doing this for?
And what am I doing this for?
my body isn’t perfect
no really, it’s not perfect
and i think that that’s okay
since joe brown said it in the 50s
my body is banana
my body is on sublease
my body is a hot mess
it's a symbiotic masterpiece
my body is a sandwich bag
my body really likes food
my body is a cage
and it’s too bootylicious for you
my body is gomorra
my body is a portend
and i think that it's a godsend
that my body's been a good friend
and i am not my body
and i am not my body
and i am not
and i am not my body
and i am not my body
and i still am
cause i know i am
not
quite ready but i
could be
stand straight
not commodity
so smile more
or less
ask me all about
my
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7. |
Locker Bitch
05:34
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Locker Bitch: Things You Hear Growing Up Weird
When I was fifteen
And I was still in high school
Some kids wrote the word "bitch" across my locker
In all capital letters
Which is fine
I don’t mind being the locker bitch
I am a strong opinionated woman
And it’s got a nice ring to it:
“Locker bitch”
When I was thirteen
They left a message on my new phone
Asking me if I had a vagina
It was a weird day
And also kind of rude
(cause like, if you wanted to know what gender I identify as to get your pronouns right, that’s fine and all, but that’s really not the way to go about doing it, cause honestly it just makes people uncomfortable and it's a shitty thing to do)
When I was nine
A kid from the adjoining class asked
If it was lonely having no friends
Yes it was
This is not a list of allegations
And I’m not one for accusation
The annuities for childhood names are slim
(Like zero)
I don’t think about that much these days
I’ve got better stories anyways
Though I wonder as the years go by
If they ever think of me
Because I’m fine now
But for awhile
It was hard to look into the mirror
Say ‘I forgive you,’ for all that you can’t change
Sticks and stones that cut like knives
But we grew up, and we grew older
And learned just what to say
Get up
Don’t feel
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Let’s pretend
We’re machines
And fake it til we make it through the day
They’re just words
They’re just kids
That boy is probably mean because he likes you
Take a breath
Take the high road
I promise everything will be okay
Except sometimes
When it’s not
Did you ever have a game to play
When the other kids had gone away?
I had one, it was fun,
Called “what would people do if I died?”
Here’s the crowd, gathered round
All saying “what a good kid, what a pity,
Please come back, our mistake,
Maybe you’d believe us if we cried”
That’s fucked up
And I know I’m that’s not a normal thing
But I know I’m not the only kid who did that
And I know I’m not the only kid who thought that
And I know that there were other kids who tried that
And I was lucky
That I had more
I had mom and dad to have my back
And friends to say that ‘you’re worth so much more’
Other kids slipped through the cracks
And multitudes just joined the chorus
Who told us what to say
Get up
Don’t feel
Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
Let’s pretend
We’re machines
And fake it til we make it through the day
They’re just words
They’re just kids
That girl is probably mean because she’s jealous
Take a breath
Take the high road
I promise everything will be okay
Except sometimes
Except sometimes
Look at you
You’re nothing less than stronger
Know that sticks and stones last longer than they tell you
But look at you, you’re here
Look at me
I’m more than names they called me
I’m sick and tired of hating my reflection
And I’m so tired with hating my reflection
I’ve been sick and tired of hating my reflection
And I’m so done with hating my reflection
Look up
I’m here
I’m beautiful, I’m strong and that's amazing
So it’s vain
That’s okay
It’s something that I had to say
And so what?
Maybe I'll always be the locker bitch
When did loving yourself
Become the hardest game to play?
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Isabella Vergun Los Angeles, California
Writer || Musician || Neat Person
Sometimes I make music.
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